alaiyo

What am I searching for? An elusive state which escapes me. Or maybe it just passes me by and I'm not brave enough or awake enough to see it and grab at it. It is always easier to just "curse the darkness" than to find a match and "light a candle".
I need to embark on the journey alone. That is the difficult part. Ultimately we are all alone, I know. Nevertheless, I yearn for that being who would be there at my side, not necessarily speaking, not necessarily pointing the way, not necessarily picking me up when I trip on a stone. Just being there. A presence felt, giving me strength to continue when I take the wrong road and have to turn back and start over. A being who will give me courage when the night comes and the moon is too busy to light my path, so that my step will not falter and my fear will not stop me from moving forward. A self who by its mere presence will enable me to confide in myself by showing me it has confidence in me. By just being there.
Maybe my mistake is assuming that this self will be with me from the start as I set off on the journey I keep postponing. Perhaps, by postponing the journey I am unwittingly denying myself the chance to encounter that presence, which may, in fact , be waiting ahead, at the roadside, by the crossroads, not pointing, not leading, not expecting, just waiting, waiting to be felt.
If so, what is stopping me from setting off? There is no ultimate destination, I know, no rush to reach any specific point ahead of me. The journey itself IS the destination. On that journey I should find what I am searching for. Not peace of mind. A turbulence of mind is stimulating and may, in fact, goad me on to embark upon the search for truth I would otherwise not even consider. Rather peace of soul, a necessary peace to ease the quiet desperation and dejection which smother the spirit.
What is stopping me is my assumption. My futile hope, that some presence may guide the way and point me in the "right direction", out of fear of getting lost on that way. My refusal to believe in my inner voice and my inner vision. My lack of faith in a higher understanding when all signs point to there being one. My need for guidance, my lack of faith in me, myself. My inability to look though I may see and to listen though I may hear. My inability to make life come to life on my own.